Recently, someone asked me how Lillian was. My response? Grumpy. While this was a truthful answer, I thought, what a terrible thing to say about my daughter. Is that the only thing I could come up with? What about talkative, loving, hilarious, caring, brilliant, etc., etc., etc.? Because she really is all those things.
But, as I said, it was an honest, gut-reaction response. These last few months, and weeks especially, I find myself dealing more with grumpiness, stubbornness, and straight out disobedience than anything else. Or maybe it's just that those events stick in my memory more because I dread them and often react in a way I regret. I suppose there's a reason it's called the "terrible twos," but I'm starting to feel like I'm at the end of my rope. Almost like I'm drowning and don't know how to get out of the deep end.
I've posted in the past about my trials with motherhood and dealing with a toddler (here, here, and here). I usually end on an optimistic note about how I'll keep trying or how in the end, it won't really matter that she was cranky for AN ENTIRE YEAR!!! And I'm sure there's some truth to that. Hopefully in a few years, I can look back at this time and remember how cute she was. I want to remember how sweet her little voice is when I pick her up from daycare and she says, "Hi, Mommy," as if no other little kid could be happier to see their mom rather than the two minutes later when I'm trying to get her in the car so we can go home but suddenly she doesn't want to go home. Ever. I want to remember her laugh while we have tickle fights on the bed or as she's swinging ("Higher, higher!") rather than the all-out tantrum that occurs when it's time to move on to the next activity. I want to remember when she and Carson see each other for the first time of the night and run to greet each other rather than the monster who DEMANDS she sit in the Pooh chair and provokes Carson just for the sake of provoking. (Sorry, guys. We knew she was cranky and almost didn't come, but we thought she'd be ok once we got there. Life lesson learned: never rely on a two-year-old.)
I keep hearing that "she's normal." "This phase will pass just like all the others that seemed to drag on and on." "She isn't purposely trying to make you pull all your hair out." "She's just testing her boundaries." "You're doing fine." I could go on and on. These platitudes, however, are quickly losing their comfort. And the truth boils down to this: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING! With no real point of reference, how do I know this is normal? How do I know it's not my fault that she won't listen to anything Erik or I say? Why is it I can't get her to do ANYTHING I want to her to when I actually want her to do it? Logically, I know that millions and millions of mothers before me have gone through the same thing, but in the heat of the moment, I feel frustrated, isolated, and inept.
I become my own worst critic and analyze my actions to see if I could do anything different. I make a vow to fix things. I try so hard to honor that vow. Then I fail miserably. Of course it doesn't help that the main player in the game keeps changing the rules. What works one day makes no difference the next, so I'm starting completely over each time.
So what optimistic gem can I put at the end of this post? It's becoming harder and harder to come up with them - especially when I think about the possible 4+ months this could go on until she turns 3. But how's this?: When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. (FDR). I also have to say, Thank you, Internet, for listening. Sometimes that helps make it a little easy to bear.
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