Who was that person?

Bedtime at the Schaelling household has been rather traumatic lately. Lillian's cutting her canines, so that could be the cause of the grumpiness (although Tylenol doesn't seem to make much of a difference for longer than half an hour). It could also just be that she's two. Or maybe it's a combination of the two. Whatever the cause, we've had a hard couple days.

Now, I consider myself a fairly level-headed, patient person. Yes, there are times when I get riled up about one thing or another, but I'm still able to keep my temper in check and just control my reaction in general. But Lillian seems to know just what buttons to push, and as awful as it sounds, she can bring out the worst in me. Suddenly, I'm yelling and throwing things and definitely not helping the situation any. I guess you could call it my version of the Incredible Hulk.

This was the case tonight. After several days of yo-yoing between her being angelically happy and not being able to make her happy, even after giving her what she wanted (Lily: I want an apple. After receiving the apple: NO WANT IT!!!), I guess the deep breaths stopped working. While wrestling with her (she's surprisingly strong) to get her pajamas on, I finally had to leave the room because I was sure someone was going to get hurt. Erik gave it a try with marginally better success although she did end up alone in her room until she was done with her tantrum.

When she finally calmed down enough to come find me, I was sitting on the couch where I'd just finished crying (frustration, guilt, and exhaustion all finally spilled over). The look on her face when she realized I'd been crying too almost broke my heart. She stopped in the middle of her sentence and said, "Sorry, mommy" and gave me a pat on the arm. We went and rocked for a while, and I apologized, too. After a few minutes in silence, she reached up and touched my face and said sorry again. It was just so sweet and heart breaking at the same time. I'm supposed to be the parent and here she was comforting me.

This whole parenting thing is so much harder than I ever expected. Does anyone know who they really are until they become a parent? I'm not sure I did. And now that I'm starting to see that person, is it the person I really want to be? I hate myself every time I yell at her. There are some days I wish we could always be with other people because I seem to hold it together so much better when others are around. I try so hard to reign in the temper I never knew was so close to the surface, but there are times it just rips through and I'm left wondering, "Who was that person?" I'd so much rather not lose it at all than have to apologize afterward, and some days, I actually succeed. But when I fail, I FAIL. It's all or nothing, apparently.

I guess all I can do is continue to try and hope she doesn't end up scarred for life or afraid of me. I know this phase will pass eventually (the days are long, but the years are short :) ), but I hope I can get a little better at handling it before the next incarnation hits, as I'm sure it will.